On the Subject of Sabotaging Myself

I now acknowledge that I have indeed been sabotaging myself for the past few years.

I know what I want to do. I know how to do it. I can actually imagine myself doing stuff and being in situations that would result from whatever I was supposed to be doing.

But for some reason, whatever that certain action is, my subconscious is it? Or perhaps it’s just me. A part of me. A part of me sabotages myself from attaining whatever it is that would have resulted from a certain action had I done it correctly.

Is it because of a fear of success? Is it because of a fear of actually failing? Really, failing from the start to not acknowledge that you failed after you had thought that you were doing the right things.

Is that what I’m afraid of?

Am I even afraid? Is fear the reason for this anomaly that I’m continuously experiencing?

Or is it because of my resistance against change?

I acknowledge change. Change is essential for growth. Growth is essential for progress. Leaving yourself in a state that could be improved on and be the past is simply illogical.

But why? Why then am I sabotaging myself?

Or is it that I wanted myself to acknowledge that I am sabotaging myself? Did I believe it from the start? Is me believing it the reason that I continuously sabotage myself? Have I subconsciously believed in it, to give myself an excuse, a leeway for not having done the things that I should have done and could have done?

Is the reality, that I am just now acknowledging, is that I have led myself into an illusion that I have been sabotaging myself for an unknown reason, when the truth is that I had subconsciously gave myself this excuse to believe in from the start? An excuse for my failures?

Writing as a form of meditation does wonders. I even wrote the above paragraphs under a 4 minute and 20 seconds limit to count as free-writing. I had thought to meditate on the subject, after this horrible day… Okay not really horrible, but horrible in the sense that I wasted it when I should have done other things.

I now realize that this thought of me “sabotaging myself” is all but an illusion, an excuse that I gave myself. A wonder isn’t it? It would seem that I had created an illusion for myself somewhat unknowingly. An illusion that I just now managed to see past through.

I probably gave myself this illusion to make me think about it more, instead of thinking about things that are more real.

Now I wonder how much things had I laid a shroud on that are deceiving my eyes… Tis but a thought to write about and meditate on for another day.